27 November 2010 – that was the day my mother passed away, exactly one month after her 60th birthday. I still remember that day, etched clearly in my mind. I was with my fiance at his cousin’s house at thanksgiving, I wasn’t able to be with my mother this time. In the middle of the night, my sister sent me a text saying that she was taking her last breath. I remember holding the phone to my ear listening to her, wishing I could have held her hand as she passed on to the other world. I wished I could have assured her, that I would do ok, my fiance would love me, and I would live a happy life just like she wanted. How I wished I could be with her, like I had through most of my life, and a large part of hers. But no, I was thousands of miles from her, not able to say good bye, not able to see her, touch her or be with her. It was a horrible day.
I miss her today, as I have missed her everyday. She left a void inside me that no one can fill, I no longer have my guide, my mentor, my best friend, my trusted confidante, my biggest supporter, my toughest critic and possibly my biggest fan. She was all of those things to me, and much more. I still talk to her, in my sleep, and to her pictures, when I am awake. I wear her jewellery and carry her small diary as a remembrance. I wish it could bring her back, but it can’t.
A year passed today since she has no more walked this planet, I cannot believe that I spent an entire year without talking to her, I married without her physical witness (I believe she was with me in spirit), I held my father’s hand as he joined her earlier this year. I cannot believe so much has passed in this one year that she wasn’t walking alongside with me on this planet. I feel so alone in her absence, I missed her when I was happy, when I wanted to share the joy with her. I missed her when I was sad, I missed her when I had questions, when I needed a friend, when I needed guidance, and even when I didn’t need anything. I have missed her every step of the way.
I have a feeling, that this void will never fill. But with time, I will learn to deal with it. To be stronger, to live by her teachings, to grow and become the person she would have been proud of. A year has passed today, many more will pass, and soon, she will be a memory, till one day (many more years from today) I join her. It saddens me to think that this is life, short and temporary, where every single person is transient. No matter who you are when you are alive, one day, you will be just a memory. This is such a sad and difficult fact. I hope to keep my parents alive in my writings and my work.
Miss you Mom.
- What am I Thankful For? (silentbleeding.wordpress.com)
- Tough Thanksgiving Holiday (itiswhatitisnowyouknow.wordpress.com)
- The end of the innocence (slouchingtowardsthatcham.com)